The Hardest Phase

Everyone knows that time and tide wait for no man. But as the year end approaches, there's so much to achieve and so much to be done. Not sure what can be done though. Currently, I'm living with so much anxiety and pressure. Ranging form research works to relationship issue, everything just accumulates and leads to higher pressure. So many stuffs are going on my mind, so much so that it started to affect my attitude somehow. 

While working on my research, I delve into other stuff. Or at least look up for other ventures.  Tuition or education jobs really draw most of my attention. I've been seeking better opportunities here and there including lecturing jobs. It's imperative as I need to figure my future out. If everything's went right, I should have probably back on track to my PhD. But then, the darkness has cloaked this path, and thus a revamp is essential. 

The next big venture is about being a book author. For starter, it's not gonna be about my autobiography. Probably start with reference book author, Then, once I get the hands on the work, more and more stuff can be written. Those wild fantasy in my mind finally gets their public appearance soon. But, everything needs to be slow and steady. The offset of everything might overwhelm myself. 

Hopefully everything goes well with the final 11 days of 2016. 

Though I'm still upset that Saara didn't win The X Factor 2016

or Kelly being eliminated early in I Supermodel 2016

or probably last episode of Scream Queen or AHS

 

You know what, I'm a survivor. I'm the captain of my own fate. 

ANTM 23 Cherish

The 8th Month

Soon, we are facing the end of August. In a blink of an eye, we are heading towards end of 2016. Honestly, I have achieved nothing great or something to proud of in the past 8 months. That's not a good sign though. Though all my life craving for a better life, the balance always seems off. Not to complain, but everything seems to hit the roadblocks and obstacles. That's super discouraging. 

Sigh, what am I doing so far? Kicking 2016 with research in the day, tutoring at the night seems alright. We all know if everything went too smoothly, something bound to happen. The worst thing is you have no f***ing idea it happens or ongoing. By the time you start realising the truth, you have wasted so much time on doing unnecessary stuff. 

Motivation and self-discipline are two co-dependent things you need for survival, especially you've chosen your path in research. Unfortunately, they do not come by often when I start to dedicate more time for tuition. Plus, addiction to social media really put me in a bad position. I have been procrastinating since I don't know when. That's really awful! It makes you a lazier and loss of passion. It does make me feel less passionate as compared to where I started. 

And  again, just like any relationship, you need to reminisce the reason why you have started all these. You are doing these for a cause and not just for fun. You have some people who are hoping you to succeed and backing you up. Thus no more turning back, cause you are now on the way for a better place. 

Toying with these thoughts in my mind seems to be so complex. But I pledged to myself to reach to the peak. I'm not young anymore and I can't to take the world by storm. Determination and strong-will are the keys. Hopefully everything turns out alright.   

July Entry

If I were asked to summarise my life, I would say "Pretty complicated". 

That's two words pretty much sum up my 2016 so far. There are two ways to look it aka the Bright side and the Dark side (aka cliche AF).

The bright side, I'm 40% done with my master research. If there's no any problem in the next part, I should probably done it by end of this year (hopefully and rightfully). What a ride! 

To sustain my life, I choose to teach instead of direct selling or sell insurance. Teaching is fun. It is fruitful especially when your beloved students get good results (cliche AF again). The satisfaction level is unbeatable. Apart from that, you get a better recognition in a way, and of course, increase your god-damn reputation. 

The thing is, I tend to shift my attention more towards to tuition instead of my master. Some of my friends, as usual, likes to mock me. Well, (brush of the dust from my shoulder), I don't really give a Fish about what they think. 

But a word of encouragement might help. So it's super discouraging when people are comparing the lush life they have or the misery they ended with. Usually, my research thing will not be brought up as a topic, in which you can talk for hours, thus it creates the hollow space among the high and rise hot topics. 

(Usually I'll smile it away and try to cut in if possible). 

That's the dark side though. Lack of encouragement is one thing, it gets you really work your ass off just so that you can have at least something to proud of. That's a serious issue of dignity though.

I mean, seriously, I don't think many people are proud to have friends pursuing postgraduate programmes, unless you are in the programme. What I've observed is these people treat the "postgrad nerd" as a measure. 

For instance, XXX earns this much. When she compared to YYY who is doing master, she feels great by saying "You dunno one la, you still in uni, you won't understand bla bla bla....". I'm not sure how she feels later on, but I bet there's a sigh of relief liberated from her thoughts.

Well, I just wanna break free from this mess. I hate the nonsense and negativity in my life. As long as I live, I'm gonna take them down (somehow). And see who's laughing later. 

Kill em Kill em !!

Hatred-inspired

"Is it dead? "

"Nope. Definitely not."

"Then?"

"Just being lazy, I guess."

That's basically sum up my inner monologue, when I think about writing a blog post. Yass. It's definitely not a daunting job as compared to teaching or researching. Still, there exists a struggle between the willingness to write with the time management. 

It's been a year since I'd graduated from my degree program. Call it an achievement, I prefer to call it a milestone. Or simply just another tick in everybody's 'Things U do B4 U die' list. The gap between graduation's date and today's date is rather short. Somehow it becomes a measure of success. Regardless what you have achieved at this point, people tend to peek into other's life, dig up some details and hence competition is created eventually. 

Well, being a postgraduate student (I know, I know, I've stressed it so many times, but I DON'T CARE, I LOVE IT), seeing people surrounding me, whether I like it or not, they are just fighting and competing. I don't mind you share your glorious insights with me, cause I just put on my best face and smile it away.

                                         

I applaud you for the greatest achievement you have attained. 

I pity you for any disaster or stupid cat fight that fall on you.

Oh, what a wonderful life. 

Oh, what a shitty life.

Man, I'm so good at these,  

Well, next thing I wake up in the morning, you still do you, and me still do me.

So no intersection point, and hence I consider ourselves as parallel lines.  

But some people, or irrelevant people, like to diminish other people's life. 

"Do research, where got stress?"

"You don't know outside world one la, stuck in the uni forever."

"You don't understand our working life stress. "

I know doing master and PhD aren't your thing.

But bitch please, don't assume you are the only one with super high stress, 

I get it, you have peer pressure, OT stress, boss pressure etc.

Well, everyone gets it. 

Not everyone is free of stress, unless you have Alzheimer or mentally retarded. 

Thus no point whining like an oinking pig in the farm.

You go on your life.

But don't ever say something offensive to postgraduate students. 

If you don't like the "you-very-very-free-I-very-very-stressed-lifestyle" I have, you can either f**k yourself or talk to the mirror. 

I bet you always look at the mirror and whingeing with it. 

So far as you see, it's all about your stress.

When I have stress, I don't go here and there, saying "Oh, I'm so stressed!",

"I earn this much but so pressure", 

"I hate working life" etc. 

F*** U bitch // manwhore!!!

There's your life choices. You decide you own path.

I'm not here to be your audience, listening to your pressure, while you seize the opportunity to abase my dignity. 

Somehow I'm a good person outside. I take in all your nonsense grumble and transform it into my motivation energy. I swear to live a better life than you, or at least be happier with my life. I rather enjoy my working life happily than spill all the "stress" words around the surrounding.

As usual, I take my high road, you can just go on your simply miserable super-duper-difficult life. 

Enjoy though. 

A Note for Myself

Everyone wants to do something crazy in their life, some to choose have goals, either a realistic or a fantasy. 

But those can't change the fact that we are motivated by these fuels, filled with desires and dreams. 

Everyone wants to be somebody in this world, regardless how large is the audience. 

Thus, I can safely say that I'm not the only dreamer who strive the hardest to survive in this cold pathetic world. 

As time goes by, I start to feel something. 

Or maybe I observed certain change that good enough to change my perception. 

That's what you get when you had your research topic changed over and over again. 

You start to feel petrified, at the same time, it somehow makes you wiser. 

It did though, to a certain extend, then you start to fret, and then questioning yourself about your life choices. 

The next thing is filled with doubts and uncertainty, who play side by side along your way. 

If I've not braced myself for this, 

I might be just fled and do something else which guarantees a constant and peaceful return. 

Instead, I choose to move on. 

Not to something else, but delve into the same path. Now while waiting for the countdown clock to go off, 

I just need to pray and work harder, I'm not into this for the sake of nothing. 

Achieving something is prioritised. 

Regardless it is not that all glorious, I shall find my own strength. 

With the support of my loved ones, I shall fight till the end.

Snap away the haters with my diva snap, I shall flaunt whatever I have.

Stay hungry, stay foolish~~~

Baffled~ Confused~

It had been a roller coaster ride for me since the beginning of 2016. Many things just happened while some of them left undone or unnoticed. Thus, first quarter of this highly anticipated year had just flown away. I will never take them back, even if I want it to. However, it left traces along the way. Traces that works like a mirror, reflecting everything upon staring at them.  

Frankly, I'm not OK. There's my inner battle cry. To conquer yourself, you need to know everything inside out. Till now, the route that I've embarked for the past six months had been miserably harsh. 

The way I see it, 

it might just out to be another endurance test, just to see how thirsty and how hungry you want all these things to work out. 

Or it might be a sign since the beginning of time, it is never meant to be incorporated into my life. 

So which side do I delve into? Should I go? Should I stay? That's my daily inner monologue. I'm combating with my heart and passion. If everything left undone, I'll be a quitter. I couldn't help myself but I have no idea what should I do at this point. The thoughts haunt me every single day, never failed to interrupt my average life. 

And of course, the haters. The one that will be there to see you fail and fall hard. Surrounded by them, it makes your life super difficult. Dealing with the ongoing nonsense and discouragement, I'm not sure how my life will work out though. The route seems annoyingly darker with their words. Though I never let them get to me, but once I let my guard down, the surging waves of emotions hit me like nobody business. Damn life.

Still at the end of the day, I'm glad that my potato is there for me. Potato is the best thing that exist in the world. It make my life better and I'm proud to be around with it. Unlike those haters, this starchy vegetable knows how to find a way to comfort me. Guess that's what I like the most about my life so far. 

Now back to the topic. Hmmm... I guess just go on with I my guts. No point sighing and crying out loud for haters. 

Another Fantasy~~

Waking up in the midst of the forest, while still having a little migraine, I looked around myself. Other than trees and bushes, I saw nothing. A sudden chill struck me like a lightning bolt. I heard some weird noise, from the raffling sounds of bushes. 

Someone, or maybe something is approaching. But I can't see anything. The daylight was barely able to penetrate through these thick and towering trees. Barely. Perhaps it's a little bird or deer, who tried to avoid me. Or maybe the worst case, a grizzly bear or starving tiger.

Gosh!! So much thing went on my mind. I must make up my mind right here right now. What should I do? Should I stay? Should I go? A few seconds passed on, the sounds were seriously clearer and louder, kinda making a grand entrance.

My legs were numb out of sudden. I closed my ears. Tried to stop my breathe. I looked around slowly, fearing something might appear and eat me up. 

"Grrrrrrr......" A loud growling is what I heard, even with my ears closed. Oh my god, it's gonna be a fierce wildlife behind me. I'm so dead right now. I couldn't turn my head around my back. I was completely terrified and horrified. Then I start to chant some prayer, which may probably work against the dark spirits, if they even exist. The thing just came closer and closer. Goodbye, world. I might just die today, without knowing what or who kill me.   

Somehow, I braced myself and turn around. The curiousity just set in, I really need to see what's behind me.  To my surprise, it is a familiar creature. My brain couldn't process that fast. Before I even light up a bulb inside my mind, that furry creature just charged on me. Oh wait, it's not eating me, instead it uses its tongue to lick my scars.

Now I remembered, it's my little Herdier. I was chasing it from the park to this forest. I quickly embraced my Herdier in my open arms. Everything went crystal clear slowly. I regained my consciousness.   Guess now it's time to look for a way out. Thanks to its super sharp sense of smell, we knew where we are heading. 

Yep, we are heading to the next gym for our first gym battle. 

And that's how the story goes on and on, in my fantasy, Pokemon Go adventure version .... 

Transition

A change can be good

but what kind of change is good

Does it matter how good it is?

or

Is it good if there is just a slight change?

Once we adapt to certain pattern

or fall into circular path

can we take a leap of faith

to be outside our comfy zone

As usual 

we just need to change 

but for the sake of what?

Are we really changing our long-built behaviour for something good?

Or we just want to feel good for no reason?

Or we just want to prove someone wrong or something right?

Currently

I try to change myself to be someone better

I'm not sure why is there a necessity for it

but it's just something that I wanted to do

I guess being someone better can't be bad

Probably I have to let myself out and loud

to be honest about myself

I want my real me to be out in the public

and that's me

and kinda proud that when there's a change

people tend to judge you

well

haters gonna haters

you can't move on to do great thing

if you stuck with someone so negative

you just need to go out

breath in the positive energy in the air

and change!!!

Inspired by

Tori Kelly

~Something Beautiful~

2016 Me !!!

While everyone was happily ushering the brand new 2016, there are some people who just don't really care. That way of treating a whole new year is like "Oh well, no me importa (in Spanish)".
I consider myself as not too sentimental, not too cold-hearted, just lie between these two extremes, and try to stand on the tipping point at the same time.

There are few things that I would like to change in 2016. That's kinda my personal goal. It's kinda struck me that I've lived for a quarter of century, with 90% of my life stuck in the books and activities. In the midst of the hectic 25 years, I started to develop my own traits, my way of living as well as my own network.

It's pretty imperative as at this age, plus the contemporary pace of the world, you gotta be able to define yourself. Though I admit that I'd struggled so much to find the true identity and my way of living, I'm proud that I've come so far despite what a remarkable and trilled the ride was.

I guess being more matured is one of the main thing that should be executed. I think this applied to most people around my age. I mean, being 25, not having a stable career, still a postgraduate student, I'm pretty lacking behind my peers. Being matured as in injecting yourself with more current issues, as well as the way you treat people.

Learning to take harsh criticisms is one of the main key that everyone should learn. It's always easier to say than do. Every human being has a dignity or an ego. It's like an unbreakable wall made up of glasses. Once the wall is destroyed and bring to the ground, it's just a naked you. And you need to do is to use your bare hands, pick up those shattered pieces, build the wall back. Meanwhile, you may have incorporate a better solution such as concrete wall. There you build a better wall, not to defend yourself, but to face a greater challenge. Once in awhile, let the door in the wall wide open, welcoming any comments and feedback.

Well there are still many things that can be done in this year. But I think a new year is like a milestone for me. That's where you can really judge and score yourself. Nothing's wrong with being a better person than you were in the past. It's all back to how you want yourself to be projected in front of people. You want to earn the respect, be a person with a strong foundation of faith and treat people nice and well.