The 8th Month

Soon, we are facing the end of August. In a blink of an eye, we are heading towards end of 2016. Honestly, I have achieved nothing great or something to proud of in the past 8 months. That's not a good sign though. Though all my life craving for a better life, the balance always seems off. Not to complain, but everything seems to hit the roadblocks and obstacles. That's super discouraging. 

Sigh, what am I doing so far? Kicking 2016 with research in the day, tutoring at the night seems alright. We all know if everything went too smoothly, something bound to happen. The worst thing is you have no f***ing idea it happens or ongoing. By the time you start realising the truth, you have wasted so much time on doing unnecessary stuff. 

Motivation and self-discipline are two co-dependent things you need for survival, especially you've chosen your path in research. Unfortunately, they do not come by often when I start to dedicate more time for tuition. Plus, addiction to social media really put me in a bad position. I have been procrastinating since I don't know when. That's really awful! It makes you a lazier and loss of passion. It does make me feel less passionate as compared to where I started. 

And  again, just like any relationship, you need to reminisce the reason why you have started all these. You are doing these for a cause and not just for fun. You have some people who are hoping you to succeed and backing you up. Thus no more turning back, cause you are now on the way for a better place. 

Toying with these thoughts in my mind seems to be so complex. But I pledged to myself to reach to the peak. I'm not young anymore and I can't to take the world by storm. Determination and strong-will are the keys. Hopefully everything turns out alright.   

July Entry

If I were asked to summarise my life, I would say "Pretty complicated". 

That's two words pretty much sum up my 2016 so far. There are two ways to look it aka the Bright side and the Dark side (aka cliche AF).

The bright side, I'm 40% done with my master research. If there's no any problem in the next part, I should probably done it by end of this year (hopefully and rightfully). What a ride! 

To sustain my life, I choose to teach instead of direct selling or sell insurance. Teaching is fun. It is fruitful especially when your beloved students get good results (cliche AF again). The satisfaction level is unbeatable. Apart from that, you get a better recognition in a way, and of course, increase your god-damn reputation. 

The thing is, I tend to shift my attention more towards to tuition instead of my master. Some of my friends, as usual, likes to mock me. Well, (brush of the dust from my shoulder), I don't really give a Fish about what they think. 

But a word of encouragement might help. So it's super discouraging when people are comparing the lush life they have or the misery they ended with. Usually, my research thing will not be brought up as a topic, in which you can talk for hours, thus it creates the hollow space among the high and rise hot topics. 

(Usually I'll smile it away and try to cut in if possible). 

That's the dark side though. Lack of encouragement is one thing, it gets you really work your ass off just so that you can have at least something to proud of. That's a serious issue of dignity though.

I mean, seriously, I don't think many people are proud to have friends pursuing postgraduate programmes, unless you are in the programme. What I've observed is these people treat the "postgrad nerd" as a measure. 

For instance, XXX earns this much. When she compared to YYY who is doing master, she feels great by saying "You dunno one la, you still in uni, you won't understand bla bla bla....". I'm not sure how she feels later on, but I bet there's a sigh of relief liberated from her thoughts.

Well, I just wanna break free from this mess. I hate the nonsense and negativity in my life. As long as I live, I'm gonna take them down (somehow). And see who's laughing later. 

Kill em Kill em !!

Hatred-inspired

"Is it dead? "

"Nope. Definitely not."

"Then?"

"Just being lazy, I guess."

That's basically sum up my inner monologue, when I think about writing a blog post. Yass. It's definitely not a daunting job as compared to teaching or researching. Still, there exists a struggle between the willingness to write with the time management. 

It's been a year since I'd graduated from my degree program. Call it an achievement, I prefer to call it a milestone. Or simply just another tick in everybody's 'Things U do B4 U die' list. The gap between graduation's date and today's date is rather short. Somehow it becomes a measure of success. Regardless what you have achieved at this point, people tend to peek into other's life, dig up some details and hence competition is created eventually. 

Well, being a postgraduate student (I know, I know, I've stressed it so many times, but I DON'T CARE, I LOVE IT), seeing people surrounding me, whether I like it or not, they are just fighting and competing. I don't mind you share your glorious insights with me, cause I just put on my best face and smile it away.

                                         

I applaud you for the greatest achievement you have attained. 

I pity you for any disaster or stupid cat fight that fall on you.

Oh, what a wonderful life. 

Oh, what a shitty life.

Man, I'm so good at these,  

Well, next thing I wake up in the morning, you still do you, and me still do me.

So no intersection point, and hence I consider ourselves as parallel lines.  

But some people, or irrelevant people, like to diminish other people's life. 

"Do research, where got stress?"

"You don't know outside world one la, stuck in the uni forever."

"You don't understand our working life stress. "

I know doing master and PhD aren't your thing.

But bitch please, don't assume you are the only one with super high stress, 

I get it, you have peer pressure, OT stress, boss pressure etc.

Well, everyone gets it. 

Not everyone is free of stress, unless you have Alzheimer or mentally retarded. 

Thus no point whining like an oinking pig in the farm.

You go on your life.

But don't ever say something offensive to postgraduate students. 

If you don't like the "you-very-very-free-I-very-very-stressed-lifestyle" I have, you can either f**k yourself or talk to the mirror. 

I bet you always look at the mirror and whingeing with it. 

So far as you see, it's all about your stress.

When I have stress, I don't go here and there, saying "Oh, I'm so stressed!",

"I earn this much but so pressure", 

"I hate working life" etc. 

F*** U bitch // manwhore!!!

There's your life choices. You decide you own path.

I'm not here to be your audience, listening to your pressure, while you seize the opportunity to abase my dignity. 

Somehow I'm a good person outside. I take in all your nonsense grumble and transform it into my motivation energy. I swear to live a better life than you, or at least be happier with my life. I rather enjoy my working life happily than spill all the "stress" words around the surrounding.

As usual, I take my high road, you can just go on your simply miserable super-duper-difficult life. 

Enjoy though. 

A Note for Myself

Everyone wants to do something crazy in their life, some to choose have goals, either a realistic or a fantasy. 

But those can't change the fact that we are motivated by these fuels, filled with desires and dreams. 

Everyone wants to be somebody in this world, regardless how large is the audience. 

Thus, I can safely say that I'm not the only dreamer who strive the hardest to survive in this cold pathetic world. 

As time goes by, I start to feel something. 

Or maybe I observed certain change that good enough to change my perception. 

That's what you get when you had your research topic changed over and over again. 

You start to feel petrified, at the same time, it somehow makes you wiser. 

It did though, to a certain extend, then you start to fret, and then questioning yourself about your life choices. 

The next thing is filled with doubts and uncertainty, who play side by side along your way. 

If I've not braced myself for this, 

I might be just fled and do something else which guarantees a constant and peaceful return. 

Instead, I choose to move on. 

Not to something else, but delve into the same path. Now while waiting for the countdown clock to go off, 

I just need to pray and work harder, I'm not into this for the sake of nothing. 

Achieving something is prioritised. 

Regardless it is not that all glorious, I shall find my own strength. 

With the support of my loved ones, I shall fight till the end.

Snap away the haters with my diva snap, I shall flaunt whatever I have.

Stay hungry, stay foolish~~~

Baffled~ Confused~

It had been a roller coaster ride for me since the beginning of 2016. Many things just happened while some of them left undone or unnoticed. Thus, first quarter of this highly anticipated year had just flown away. I will never take them back, even if I want it to. However, it left traces along the way. Traces that works like a mirror, reflecting everything upon staring at them.  

Frankly, I'm not OK. There's my inner battle cry. To conquer yourself, you need to know everything inside out. Till now, the route that I've embarked for the past six months had been miserably harsh. 

The way I see it, 

it might just out to be another endurance test, just to see how thirsty and how hungry you want all these things to work out. 

Or it might be a sign since the beginning of time, it is never meant to be incorporated into my life. 

So which side do I delve into? Should I go? Should I stay? That's my daily inner monologue. I'm combating with my heart and passion. If everything left undone, I'll be a quitter. I couldn't help myself but I have no idea what should I do at this point. The thoughts haunt me every single day, never failed to interrupt my average life. 

And of course, the haters. The one that will be there to see you fail and fall hard. Surrounded by them, it makes your life super difficult. Dealing with the ongoing nonsense and discouragement, I'm not sure how my life will work out though. The route seems annoyingly darker with their words. Though I never let them get to me, but once I let my guard down, the surging waves of emotions hit me like nobody business. Damn life.

Still at the end of the day, I'm glad that my potato is there for me. Potato is the best thing that exist in the world. It make my life better and I'm proud to be around with it. Unlike those haters, this starchy vegetable knows how to find a way to comfort me. Guess that's what I like the most about my life so far. 

Now back to the topic. Hmmm... I guess just go on with I my guts. No point sighing and crying out loud for haters.